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Author: LoneGirl189

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I donít own anything I-man related, I didnít steal anything, only thing that I have any claim to would be Amanda, but thatís rather obviousÖ..

Time Frame: Iím not that sure anymoreÖ.>

Comments: I would like to greatly thank The MalteseHobbes a lot for helping me with this.

 

 

 

 

Kevin,

I donít know why I came here or why Iím writing this, I guess I just had to. Iíve started it about 20 times, and Iíve finally decided to stop trying to sound smart, and just sound like me. Darien told me what you did, I wasnít there for it, but I wish I had been. I have a few things I would like to Ďtalkí to you about. I know that you never intended for me to get caught up in all this, but I am now. I wish I had gotten a chance to tell you Iím sorry. I never meant to steal from your room, use your stuff when you werenít there, or try and place the blame for what I did on the fact that Mom and Dad paid more attention to you. I didnít really mean it. You never complained, or did anything to defend yourself, and I thank you for that. You were the big brother, and you were always watching out for both me and Darien.

I did find out about what you did for me when I was in my freshman year of High School. Dad never told me, but Darien did after I came to work for the agency. I didnít understand where you got that much bail money, and then Darien told me you took it out of your Ďrainy day fundí. I knew how much that money meant to you, you saved it your whole life. It must have made a substantial dent in your account to get me out of there, and now without your knowing it, youíve saved me again.

When I heard that you gave the gland to Darien, and didnít believe him about Arnaud, even thought technically it wasnít your fault, I was mad. Mad more because eventually what happened ended up affecting my life. I was selfish, and was probably acting a bit stupid.. When I found out that you had the chance to get Darienís gland out, which would probably have meant the same for me, and you didnít, I was angrier than I had ever been. That was probably why it took Darien so long to tell me, he knew how I would react.

I was, and probably still am, looking for someone to blame, and when I found that out, I blamed you, like I always have. But then Darien gave me the letter to read. At first, it just made me more angry, I thought that you were just trying to justify the fact that you were playing God with someone elseís life, but then, I thought about it. It took a while, (and a few beers) to realize that youíre right, it has made him a better man. He not the same guy I grew up with. Heís better, and you saw that.

I wish that the last thing I said to you hadnít been to blame you for the way I was. I still remember it like it was yesterday. The last conversation we had when you came to the jail. That was about a year before you died. We got in another argument, and I blamed you for being perfect. Like thatís a reason to hate someone. I blamed the fact that you were so good at everything for my not having the life I wanted, for my not being my parentís center of attention. But I know better now. When I saw that Darien got more attention from Mom and Dad when he was a thief, I thought here was my chance. I should have been paying more attention, you always saw that potential in me, but I didnít want to hear it. I didnít get a chance to ever apologize for what I did, and that will always be there at the back of my brain.

Iím so sorry for everything I ever did to you that was wrong. I never really understood what I was doing. You tried to help me, and youíve done more for me in death than you ever did in life. I think that I can be a better person, and Iím going to try harder. After reading that letter, if Darien can become a better person, well, we both know that means I can do it. You canít see it, but Iím smiling right now. Or maybe you can. I want to be a sister you can be proud of, and I do consider myself your sister. Yes, technically you are my cousin, but you are my brother in my heart. As a guy named Desmond Tutu once said, ĎYou don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.í Iíve never thought that was truer than now. If I had been given the chance, even a year ago, I would have gladly traded you and Darien in for something better, but now, I donít know what I would have done, or would do, without either of you.

All that I really have left now is Darien, and Iím thinking of going to see Mom soon, sheís been wondering what happened to me. Iíve been afraid to tell her that Iím not in college anymore. Iím thinking of taking some night courses, finish up a bachelors. I know that youíll never really read this, that Iím just going to leave it by your grave, and something will happen to it. But I think youíll know what it says. You always knew what I was thinking before I did, and I always hated that. This is something that Iíve been needing to do for a long time, and I guess Iíve finally decided to start trying. I love you, and I wish you were here.

 

Your Sister Always,

Amanda